Trigger Warning

The term ‘trigger’ has become a common buzzword in the last decade.  Often being accepted as an unchangeable part of one’s personality, much the same as their shoe size. Triggers exist because our minds are miraculous instruments for self-protection. Somewhere in our psyche we have logged every event of our past. As life goes on we’ll encounter similar behaviors or circumstances that caused past hurt, when that happens our brain warns us of impending danger. As this occurs, often our limbic system (aka our logic brain) turns off and the instinct to protect yourself kicks in. In theory this seems like a wonderful mechanism to keep us safe. In reality it’s only wonderful if we use it as a short term coping skill. Long term it will leave us isolated and put us on the endless merry-go-round of relational dysfunction, personally and professionally.

To be clear, triggers are real, and should be honored for the protection they provide. Once you are made aware of said trigger, they should be addressed and handled appropriately. I am not a therapist or doctor, but I am a woman who came to the table of womanhood with A LOT of triggers and overcame them through deep emotional healing of my thoughts, heart, and soul. 

One of these triggers came to an untimely head on a family trip to the grocery store. As we wandered down the aisle with our 5 kiddos a couple of them began bickering and teasing each other as siblings often do. Naturally I began to admonish them, when my oldest, who was about 7 or 8 at the time, turned to me with all the frustration his heart could hold and said, “You just don’t know how hard it is to be the oldest.” He hit a trigger I didn’t even know was there. 

I began to uncharacteristically scold him, far beyond public acceptability.  I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I do remember my husband rounding the corner and looking at me like I had a horn growing out of my head and cautiously saying, “Babe, what is going on?”  Tears filling my eyes and my heart hot with indignation, I defended myself as though my young son had just diminished my whole life’s experience. My husband carefully deescalated the situation, but I was hurt. I nursed my wounded heart the whole way home. Thankfully between Daniel and my BFF I got a swift kick in the butt and was reminded that my child’s perception was valid and that I could not be mad at him for the life I gave him.  Even as I write this I am filled with embarrassment for the way I reacted to my son that day, but that moment sent me on a journey to wholeness.

Of course my son didn’t understand why I flew off the handle. He had no way of knowing that as the oldest child of an alcoholic, I had learned to navigate drunken explosions by doing my best to keep the attention off my siblings through hypervigilance and high achievement. Nor was it his job to know. It was also not his job to avoid the sharp edges of my heart. It was my job to not only soften the edges of my heart but to gently put the pieces of my heart back together so the triggers no longer existed. 

When we accept triggers as a way of life we are setting our loved ones up to fail us. We are subconsciously telling others it is their responsibility to keep us pain free. Operating in a pattern of blame and control, we carefully create environments that cause others to walk on eggshells in order to avoid our pain points and keep the peace.  When they inevitably fail at those tasks, we justify our bad behavior and over-reactions by telling ourselves and them, they should know better and if they loved us they would or wouldn’t do this or that.  

There is an alternative. Heal. Healing will require you to face your pain and to take radical responsibility for the behaviors you chose because of that pain.  Facing the pain will require you coming face to face with what you believe about yourself and others. Remember, your feelings may not be true, but they will tell you the truth about what you believe. Oftentimes deeply held beliefs are lies. And when we replace those lies with the truth, freedom from triggers is the result.

That day my son felt overwhelmed and unseen. And instead of seeing him I shut him down because somewhere deep inside I still didn’t feel seen or heard. My unhealed trigger only served to confirm his own feelings of unimportance. Thankfully, I had the sense to apologize for my bad behavior and ask for forgiveness that day, but I couldn’t take back that moment.

That day in the grocery store I had to come face to face with the lie I believed. The lie that I had the hardest childhood and unless you’d been through what I’d been through (or worse), you had no right to pain.  When I accepted the truth; that other people have pain too and that pain is relative to the sum total of their experiences, of which I have no right to judge, I found freedom. I began to understand that someone else’s experience or perspective does not diminish mine. That freedom gave me the ability to validate the pain of another’s experience and offer genuine compassion. 

When we tolerate personal triggers in ourselves or others we are agreeing to live in a pattern of blame and control. Blaming and controlling others only serves to keep us in bondage to the past and isolated from the deep connection our heart is longing for. If you want to be the best version of yourself then you must neither ignore or hold tightly to the wounds of your past. You must heal them. It is time to lean into healing and let go of the triggers that are sabotaging your relationships and keeping you from your potential.  Everytime you allow yourself to experience an old situation with a new perspective you create space for healing, growth, and connection. 

**If you are living with unhealed traumas and triggers in yourself or others, I encourage you to seek help and find resources that will bring healing and peace your soul is longing for. Talk to a trusted friend, find a licensed therapist, pastor, or life-coach that can help you address the pain of the past and create a strategy for a better future.