The Red Flag of Potential
How many times have you gotten to the end of a relationship and realized the thing you loved all along was never even a reality, just a fantasy you created based on their potential? Forced to face reality, you look back with 20/20 vision acknowledge all the red flags that were ignored and promise yourself never again. Until next time…
The definition of potential is - “something that can develop or become actual.” Potential is not a real thing. It is the idea that something or someone can get better, grow, or change.
There are lots of reasons we fall in love with potential. More often than not the potential in our mind is a romanticized idea of OUR perfect future and how that person fits into it. We fall in love with the idolized version of someone we’ve made up in our head. Worse yet, the romanticized version only considers OUR idea of their perfection. Selfishly, the fantasy in our mind leaves no space for the dreams, desires, or reality of the other person. So when they fail to meet our idea of their potential, we are left with disappointment at best and toxicity at worse.
Potential in and of itself isn’t bad. We all have the capacity to change for better or worse. The question you must ask yourself is, are you in love with who someone actually is, or “are you in love with the potential of who you hope they can be?”
Understanding pros and cons of potential starts with letting go of our fantasies and embracing the reality of your situation.
1)You cannot achieve someone’s potential for them. If they have no desire to grow they won’t. Full stop. No amount of nagging, begging, arguing, loving, cold shouldering (you get the picture) will ever convince someone to be a better version of themselves. You can not create goals for other people, you can only hold boundaries for yourself. If you are in relationship that is full of more promises than actions, that is a red flag.
2)Pay attention to someone’s pursuit of their own potential. A person with true potential will be chasing it before they chase you. I am not suggesting perfection, but I am suggesting there should be progress. Growth always starts small. Think of an apple seed; small but with the right ingredients, soil, water, and sunlight it will reach its potential of being a tree. The same is true for us. You will know if someone is trying to reach their full potential by how they spend their time and fill their mind today. They will not only take responsibility for their actions but will create meaningful change to improve. They will never use blame or control to manipulate others or excuse their complacency. Resist the temptation to believe promises that are not accompanied actions.
3)Accept people for who they are today not who you hope they’ll be tomorrow. Too often we excuse today’s bad behavior because we hope tomorrow’s will be better. Unfortunately, tomorrow is rarely better if it is, then ask yourself this question, “Is it better because they’ve made meaningful changes or because I’ve learned to navigate their triggers?” Sacrificing your freedom and authenticity for someone else to live unchallenged is no way to live. As Maya Angelou once said, “when someone shows you who they are, believe them.” This is not to say that we don’t give people the chance to improve. All healthy relationships will require communicating concerns, listening to understand, and respecting boundaries. All of us can improve and should be given an opportunity to do so. But we must make sure we are in love with who they are today not our romanticized version of them in OUR imagined future.
4)It’s not mean to break up with potential For many of us we hold on too long because we don’t want to be seen as ‘mean’. Acknowledging that someone’s actions don’t meet your standards and letting them go is not mean, it’s mandatory. If you have shared your concerns and communicated clear boundaries then you must honor your heart and the boundaries that keep you safe. In truth enforcing healthy boundaries is one of the kindest things you can do. Healthy boundaries communicate mutual respect, trustworthiness, and love. When you respect yourself enough to hold yourself to a high standard of behavior it will raise the bar for everyone around you.
Potential is an idea of what our imagined future looks like if ‘this’ or ‘that’ happens. As a person who values purposeful living and becoming all God has created me to be I will always pursue my potential but I will never pursue the potential of or for another. We cannot want more for someone than they want for themselves. It’s time to break-up with potential.