Are you Angry?

For years I have known that anger is a secondary emotion.  Unfortunately, figuring out the primary emotion hasn’t always come easy.  Until now...

I was listening to a podcast when the speaker said, “People choose to stay angry because anger makes us feel strong”.  That truth stopped me dead in my tracks, (literally, I was on a walk and just stopped and replayed the words over and over in my mind).  If I really want to know what I am feeling beneath the anger then I must ask myself a new question.  What is making me feel weak or vulnerable? This is a life-changing, mood-altering, decision-making, game-changer.

Anger tends to be an unrelenting force trying to convince us we're ‘right’ and ‘deserve’ to lash out, defend ourselves, or punish others. In general, I don’t like being angry. Maybe because growing up I never saw constructive or healthy anger. In my experience, anger always led to hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and damaged relationships. Because I grew up with such destructive examples of anger I made inner vows about never behaving that way. Little did I know how destructive the promise to never be angry would be to my own well-being. 

Anger can make us feel righteous,  justified, and powerful. And real or not, the power we feel while angry provides a sense of safety.  Unfortunately, that sense of safety is just that, a sense. It isn’t true safety.  Anger is like a wall around the pain that lies beneath the surface of our hearts.  The problem, however, is walls built out of anger are always crumbling. The only way to keep our walls intact is to replay the offense, rejection, or hurt over and over and over. Each replay adding a brick back to the wall around your heart. And rather than healing pain, it is only reinforced.

Even if we are really good at wall building, the pain has a mind of its own.  Pain demands to be felt and heard.  The pain we think is safely hidden behind the wall of anger will escape. Crawling under it, climbing over it,  and if ignored long enough, the pain will push right through the bricks. You know, like those weeds you see growing through a crack on the sidewalk.   I am a walking testament to unspoken pain manifesting in physical pain. 

I have known for a long time that the emotional shutting down of my anger and feelings created a chemical firestorm in my body.  I realize now that I couldn’t stop it because I was addressing symptoms not the root of the problem.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying changing your mind will erase all your physical ailments, but it can help you stabilize them.

So, I asked myself a new question. What is making me feel weak and vulnerable?  And the answer is this, I feel like my best efforts were pointless.  If I try again, I could fail again, and risk rejection and misunderstanding once more.  The answer literally felt like a weight lifted from my heart.  Something miraculous happened, the anger began to subside.  The desire for understanding, the unending question of why, and what could I have done differently were replaced with a peaceful answer... The past can’t be different because it's not.  Once I allowed the deeper question to be answered the anger began to wash away. 

I think this may be what the bible is talking about when it says, “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” Ephesians 4:26-28. When we choose anger we become our own protector, comforter, and judge.  We leave no room for the Holy Spirit to do His job.  We are too busy replaying our offense to be able to hear Him speak words of comfort, love, and wisdom over us.  But when we ask the deeper question and answer honestly, we allow the truth to set us free. 

The truth is we all get hurt, disappointed, and betrayed in this life.  It’s happened before and it will most likely happen again. I cannot change the past or analyze it until it makes sense. I can only change the future by being honest about what I am afraid of and what makes me feel weak. Then trust that even when life hurts, God will be with me helping me overcome and grow into the woman He intends for me to be.

It’s OK to be angry, it’s just not OK to stay that way. Clinging to anger will only serve to keep us isolated, surrounded only by, sadness, fear, and loneliness.  Go beneath the anger, to the pain, and ask yourself, “What is making me feel weak and vulnerable?”.  Then address those answers. 

When we are weak, Christ’s power is made perfect in us.  It is when we admit our weakness and vulnerability that He can be our strength and put us back on the path of our purpose.